


Temet Nosce

by Rochelle_Templer



Category: All Creatures Great and Small (TV), All Creatures Great and Small - James Herriot
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, Fluff and Humor, Gen, and some introspective musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:06:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16109486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rochelle_Templer/pseuds/Rochelle_Templer
Summary: Deidre makes her choice with Calum and Tristan has to find a way to move on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [darrowby85](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darrowby85/gifts).



> This is a prompt fic that I wrote for Darrowby85. The prompt was yarrow, a flower representing a cure for a broken heart.
> 
> This fic takes place shortly after Hail Caesar! (Episode 4.05)

In Tristan’s Farnon’s mind, there were few things better than time spent with a lovely woman.

Currently, he was sitting in Sugden’s, a quaint little restaurant with a chef who was always trying to add an “international” flavor to his menu. This week, it was Oriental Rice and Spiced Chicken which both he and his dining companion, Madge Ellis, were eating and which, surprisingly enough, turned out to be quite tasty.

“This is so much better than his last special,” Madge said as she scooped up another forkful of the rice. “Remember that spicy curry? I thought my tongue was going to keep burning for the rest of the week.”

“That’s because you didn’t follow my advice and do what I did,” Tristan smirked. “Enough quality English bitter will make anything better. Years of careful and copious amounts of study mean I can vouch for the veracity of that fact.”

Madge gave him a fond nod, but Tristan noted that there was still some teasing in that smile on her face.

“Apparently, years of careful and copious study didn’t teach you about how important it is to return to work sober.”

“Now that’s unfair, Madge. I was not drunk.”

“No, but you were tight. Or are you actually going to tell me that you would have thought that gluing all of Seddon’s files to his desk was a good idea while you were completely sober?”

“A vicious slander,” Tristan protested. “I may have made some mention of the idea and how best to pull it off around the office, but I can’t be held responsible for the actions of interns who were clearly in the throes of youthful high spirits.”

Madge laughed and continued eating. Tristan had met her the day she had started to work at the Ministry as a secretary and had swiftly realized that she was an absolutely enchanting lunch and dinner companion. Pretty, witty, and possessing a playful sense of humor.

These days, Madge had a remarkably understanding beau who she spent her evenings and weekends with and who didn’t mind her continuing to have lunch with her male friend from work. A pity, really, as Tristan sometimes wondered what an actual date with her would be like.

“So when are you going to tell me what is bothering you?” Madge asked, her green eyes flashing with impatience.

Tristan frowned and fell back on a tried and true delaying tactic of taking a long drink from his pint before answering.

“Why should anything be bothering me? Especially when I’m enjoying a delectable meal with you. Well, granted, Siegfried and his usual tantrums over difficult clients and lack of funds are still annoying. Not to mention his recent lectures about how I need to act more professional lest I get sacked.”

Madge let out a sigh and sat her fork down onto the edge of her plate. “You always do that. You always go back to griping about your brother whenever you’re bothered by something. You know, I don’t believe he does even half of the things you say he does.”

Tristan responded with a sigh of his own, albeit a much more dramatic one.

“The story of my life, really. All the women see my brother Siegfried as the consummate charmer. Well, those women should stick around while Siegfried has to deal with the paperwork generated by the bad debt within the practice. They’d change their tunes very quickly, I can assure you.”

“I still don’t believe it,” Madge insisted.

“And why not? It’s the truth.”

“Because if he really was the tyrant you make him out to be, you’d never spend all the time that you do in Darrowby, helping him with his practice.”

The smirk immediately left Tristan’s face, his expression taking on a parody of thoughtfulness.

“Yes, yes, I see your point. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I have developed a deranged mind and desperately need treatment.”

“While you are at it, see what they can do for having an over-abundance of school-boy humor.”

Tristan looked hurt and fully intended on coming up with a devastatingly clever reply, but Madge stopped him by reaching over and placing a hand onto his forearm.

“It’s about her, isn’t it? That girl from Edinburgh?  Deidre McEwan?”

Tristan took a sharp breath, but didn’t reply. Of course, Madge would know by now that she was right so there was no use in trying to argue his way out of it. Better to just take another drink and think of a suitable distraction.

Unfortunately, Madge appeared to have thought of this too.

“Come on, Tristan, I’m a secretary. That means I hear about everything that happens around the office. And everyone knew about how you were trying to catch McEwan’s eye. Mary told me yesterday that she’d seen McEwan on a very cozy picnic with that new vet in Darrowby. He’s the assistant your brother just hired, isn’t he?”

“Calum, yes,” Tristan replied, his tone much more glum. “Yes, apparently, I underestimated Deidre’s love for all things Scottish.”

The hand on Tristan’s forearm tightened, a sympathetic look appearing on Madge’s face. “Oh Tris, I’m sorry. I know you were getting serious about her.”

“Oh, it’s all right,” Tristan said with a pronounced shake of his head. “It wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway. Not with my lounge lizard ways and all.”

“Lounge lizard?” Madge echoed. “Who said that?”

Tristan shrugged. He could have said Siegfried, but Madge would have brushed that off. He also could have said Calum, but that would just look petty.

Besides, maybe they had a point. Maybe he wasn’t quite as romantic as he always pictured himself. Or at least, not in the ways that actually appealed to the women he went for.

His descent into self-pity was rudely interrupted by Madge frowning and crossing her arms over her chest.

“Tristan Farnon, I’ll have you know that not every girl considers a nice dinner out or an evening at the pictures to be the actions of an incorrigible playboy who is making a move on her. There are plenty of women who consider things like that to be a lovely way to spend an evening with someone special.”

“Like you?” Tristan replied, a cheeky grin appearing. “Is that how you like to spend your evenings with Norbert or whatever his name is?”

“It’s Norton,” Madge scolded. “And don’t try to pull that faulty memory trick with me. I know better. And yes, as a matter of fact, that is what we do once in a while. Sure, a lot of the time, we do much simpler things, but a girl likes to have her special moments too.”

Her stern expression softened, and she laughed, shaking her head.

“I suppose it’s the same for a man too,” she mused. “Even if they are too tough to admit it.”

“Is that my problem?” Tristan said with a mock pout. “Girls actually want a sensitive chap instead of a tough guy like me?”

Madge took his hand and laced her fingers through his. “You’re already special, Tris. Do you know why? Because you’re both. The tough guy who can always shield himself with a smile. And the sensitive chap who believes far too much in romance for the lifestyle he’s trying to lead.”

Tristan drew his hand away and resumed eating, forcing himself to choke the food down. Any time he started to ask himself why he didn’t have a go with dating Madge, a moment like this happened. A moment when she looked a little too hard and a little too deep into the inner workings of his heart.

Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, but that still didn’t make Tristan any less uncertain that he could feel secure around a woman who could figure him out so deftly.

“Someone should tell old Sugden that he finally struck gold with his lunch,” he mumbled between bites. “Maybe he’ll think twice about reaching for the curry powder again.”

Madge let out a sigh and took a sip of water. Tristan knew that sigh well enough to know that he had disappointed her. Seemed to be what he was best at these days.

“It might be too late,” she replied. “I overheard one of the waiters mention something about fire roasted tacos coming soon. We may want to find another place for lunch that week.”

Tristan smiled at her before shoving the last forkful of food into his mouth. Well, at least she was still thinking in terms of seeing him again in the future. One had to take whatever victories one could.

Madge finished her water and reached for her purse. “Come on, we still have plenty of time. Let’s go for a walk before we go back.”

* * *

 After paying their bill, the two of them strolled along the sidewalk in front of the restaurants and shops in the heart of Mannerton. Lunchtime was pretty much over, and the streets were swiftly becoming empty and quiet.

Tristan took Madge by the arm, and she accepted it with a smile. They walked in companionable silence for a few minutes before she finally spoke again.

“Tris, Mary told me that you you’ve been spending more time in the research department, boning up on those new fertility methods.”

“Purely practical, my dear,” Tristan replied. “You have no idea how hard it is to convince a Dales farmer to embrace the march of progress. So the more knowledge I can arm myself with, the better.”

Madge looked up at him with another smirk. “Oh come on, Tris, Crawford didn’t give you that promotion because of your technical expertise and you know it. That’s giving him far too much credit. He was just hoping that you could use your charm with the farmers to persuade them to use the new methods.”

“It’s certainly a new use for the Farnon charm at any rate,” Tristan snorted. “Getting cows to be artificially inseminated. Brother Siegfried would be quite amused if he knew.”

“Crawford is a useful idiot,” Madge said. “That’s why he’s been able to have the career he’s had at the Ministry. But Tris, don’t act like you didn’t know all of this already. And don’t say that all this extra research is just to get a leg up on your job.”

Madge squeezed his arm. “You like this sort of work. You really do. You enjoy learning about this stuff and figuring it out for yourself whenever you can.”

“I suppose I better like it,” Tristan said with a shrug and a laugh. “Or all those years I spent studying in Edinburgh would have been a waste of my time and Siegfried’s money.”

Madge let out another sigh, and this time, Tristan decided he didn’t want to keep dismissing her efforts.

“Madge, I…yes, you’re right. I guess I always was interested in it. Animals in general, I mean, not just this new AI stuff. I think my brother…and maybe other people too, I don’t know…think I just became a vet because of Siegfried. That I just went with what I’d seen growing up.”

“Did you?”

Tristan spotted a bench further up the sidewalk and guided Madge over to it. Once they had sat down together, Tristan pulled out his pack of Woodbines and lit one, shaking the match out and then taking in a deep inhalation.

“Some of it was that,” he continued. “I already felt like I was learning the job anyway as a kid, what with me going out with Siegfried on his rounds and helping him with his jobs and things. After I decided to go to veterinary college, I’d always thought that Siegfried and I would go into practice together.”

Tristan paused and took another puff of his cigarette, flicking away the ashes at the tip.

“But it wasn’t just about convenience. Being a vet and learning about animals did interest me a lot. Of course, there were other things that interested me in school too. For a little while there, I did consider studying chemistry. My father was a chemist, you know, and it seemed like it could be fun to be a mad scientist or something. But I guess I didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t go into something that interested me even more and that I could, well…you know….”

“That you could do with your brother,” Madge finished for him. “Honestly, Tristan, I don’t know why you try so hard to act like you’re not terribly fond of him.”

“Yes, well, you haven’t spent time around him like I have,” Tristan said, blowing smoke out of the corner of his mouth. “The last thing I need is for him to have something else to feel superior about.”

Madge laughed, and Tristan wasn’t entirely sure if she was laughing at the lengths he had to go to in order to avoid inflating Siegfried’s ego or because she still didn’t believe that his elder brother was so impossible. Then again, watching her smile at him like that made Tristan wonder if it actually mattered either way.

She moved closer to him, patting his knee.

“Tristan…I know that whole thing with McEwan hurt. And that it can’t be easy to watch the two of them be together whenever you visit your family and friends in Darrowby.”

“Don’t worry, Madge,” he said, making sure to give her a reassuring smile. “I’ll get over it.”

“Yes, I know you will,” Madge replied, smiling back at him. “You always do. But what I’m asking you, Tris, is to not try to get over it too quickly.”

Tristan pouted again. “And here I thought you were my friend. Some friend you are. Wanting me to wallow in misery like those old romantic poets who wrote sonnets while wasting away over lost loves.”

“Tris, if this is what your brother has had to put up with during all those years you lived with him, I can’t say I blame him for getting tetchy with you from time to time.”

Tristan added a suitably aggrieved whine to his pout, but Madge’s smirk was far more playful than annoyed.

“I’m not saying sit around and be sad,” she continued. “Of course I don’t want that for you. I’m saying let yourself heal. You deserve to be happy, Tris. To find someone who will love you as you are. Ridiculous pouting and so-called lounge lizard ways and all.”

She put her hand onto his again. “I’m saying embrace the things that you really care about. Your work. Your friends. Your family. Find another reason to be happy, Tris. Even if it’s not in the arms of the woman you wanted.”

Tristan leaned back and took another long drag on his Woodbine. He understood what she was saying, of course, but at that moment, he wasn’t sure he had the strength to go through with her advice. Sound as it most likely was.

Madge let his hand go and stood up. Tristan took one more puff on his cigarette and snuffed it out onto the cobbles.

“Come on,” she said. “We should have time for one last, quick drink before we have to be back. And I need to tell you what Mary said about seeing Seddon with Crawford’s new secretary.”

Tristan’s face immediately lit up. “No. It can’t be. Why, that’s trouble just waiting to happen.”

“Oh it is,” Madge nodded. “Not that that will stop someone as foolhardy as Seddon. He’s got something to prove after spending a day trying to pry files off his desk.”

Tristan laughed and quickened his step so they could grab some half-pints and ruminate over what was sure to be the best bit of gossip either of them had heard for over a month.


	2. Chapter 2

Tristan didn’t understand why he was driving out to Bushell’s place.

Everything he had heard from James indicated that both cow and calf had pulled through nicely from their messy, amateurish attempt to perform a Caesarian on a bovine. Thus, it didn’t make sense that some part of him seemed to think that checking on it again would improve his current mood.

Not that his wondering about it made the slightest bit of difference on his decision to keep driving toward Bushell’s farm. In fact, Tristan soon realized that he was pushing the accelerator down a little more every time he tried to figure it out. As if he was trying to stamp down the doubts creeping into his mind.

While he drove, he thought again about his lunch with Madge a couple days ago. Good old Madge. She was such a lovely girl. And an even better friend. Maybe if she wasn’t so in love with Norton….

A sad smile appeared on Tristan’s face as he shook that idea out of his mind. He’d already lost more than one perfectly good friendship by presuming far too much about a woman’s feelings for him. He was much too fond of Madge to allow it to happen with her as well.

Instead, he tried to focus on what Madge had said to him. She had given him sound advice. Tristan was certain of that. It was just one of the many ways she had proven herself to be a sensible woman.

_“Find another reason to be happy, Tris. Even if it’s not in the arms of the woman you wanted.”_

Tristan’s face fell. He didn’t consider himself a particularly gloomy person. He never saw much of a point to wallow for too long in melancholy if he could avoid it. There were always other opportunities out there. He would just have to keep looking for them.

It was then though, that Tristan realized that he was tired. Tired of looking. Tired of trying only to have everything fall apart in the end. Tired of all of it, really.

He slowed his MG as the gate to Bushell’s farm came into view. It was already late afternoon. Perhaps Bushell wouldn’t want to be disturbed by some random agent of the Min of Ag stopping by just to see a cow and calf that were, by all accounts, just fine.

“Ah, hello there, Mr. Farnon.”

Tristan blinked and craned his head out the window to see Bushell standing off to the side on the other side of the gate. Bushell opened the gate up and ambled over.

“Hello, Mr. Bushell,” Tristan said, making sure to smile. “How are you?”

“Oh, fair to middling,” Bushell said with a nod. “I suppose you came here to see about my Bess. You vets don’t usually carry on so, do you?”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Bushell, there won’t be any charge for this visit,” Tristan assured him. “You see, that Caesarian Mr. Herriot and I did is a very new procedure. And we are very keen to see it become common practice if we can get more results like what we got with your Bess. Checking up on her and her calf can give us valuable information that we can share with other farmers so they can know what to expect with a Caesarian.”

“Well, all I know is that it did all right for me,” Bushell said. “And I’ll tell that to anyone who wants to know. That calf is going to fetch me a good price before long. And I’d never gotten it alive if it weren’t for you and Mr. Herriot and your fancy new procedure.”

Bushell stepped away from Tristan’s car. “Well, go on in, if you’d like. He’s probably wondering where you’ve been by now.”

Tristan’s eyebrows knitted together. “He? Who is wondering where I’ve been?”

“Your brother,” Bushell answered. “I thought you knew. He got here, oh, I’d say, about twenty minutes ago. I thought you’d come here to meet him.”

* * *

 

The entire stroll over to Bushell’s barn had barely registered with Tristan. He was too lost in his confusion as to why Siegfried had made this visit as well. Not to mention his bafflement over the idea that his brother was most likely waiting for him.

It was almost enough to inspire Tristan to turn around, get back into his car, and take off before Siegfried discovered he was here. However, he kept on walking, only stopping once he got to the barn door.

Once he was there, he paused, frowning. What on Earth was Siegfried doing here? Bushell said the cow and calf were doing fine, as had James, so it couldn’t be a second opinion. And if he hadn’t come up to check on the cow or calf because he heard about some problem with them, how could his older brother have guessed that he’d be coming here as well?

Tristan’s frown deepened. His mood was already low enough. The last thing he wanted to deal with right now was yet another lecture about the inadequacies of his professional and personal life. He had heard more than enough in relation to that bloody stag that got run over. As if he had had anything to do with that anyway.

And yet, he continued to surprise himself by walking into that barn.

Just inside was Siegfried, crouching down beside Bess, listening with his stethoscope.

Unsure of what his brother was looking for, Tristan remained silent, choosing to lean against a wall and shove his hands into his pockets rather than draw attention to his presence.

He waited while watching Siegfried continue to examine the cow. He listened for a little while with the stethoscope, moving it around the cow’s side. Then he put it away and peered and felt around the abdomen, probably to get a closer look at the sutures and the placement of the cuts.

After several more minutes, Siegfried finally stood up, put his glasses into his pocket, and patted Bess on the back a couple of times.

“You took a big risk, cutting into the perimetrium like that, little brother, after you’d already opened up her rumen,” Siegfried said without looking at him. “You and James are fortunate that she didn’t die of septic shock.”

Tristan sighed. How did Siegfried always know when he was close by? No matter how quiet or inconspicuous he tried to be, his elder brother always knew when he was lurking about.

“Well, we hadn’t intended to do that, you know,” he huffed as he walked over to him. “We thought we’d found the uterus first.”

Siegfried spun on his heel to face him. “You mean, you were sure. I doubt very much that James would have ever chosen to go through with such a risky, unproven surgery if he hadn’t believed that you knew what you were doing. James has many admirable qualities, but taking risks does not tend to be one of them.”

Tristan frowned. “Why are you acting like it’s all my fault?”

“Because, dear brother, I know far too much about your amusing, but deplorable tendency to inflate your professional credentials beyond their actual acumen. No doubt, you thought a little extra reading or maybe sitting in on a demonstration of a bovine Caesarian made you an expert.” Siegfried scowled at him. “For Heaven’s sake, Tristan, when will you finally learn that academic study is never a replacement for practical experience, no matter how thorough it might be?”

Tristan’s frown deepened as he turned his face away from Siegfried. Far worse than having to listen to those snide remarks from his brother was the knowledge that Siegfried was right. He should have known better. He never should have let James think he was any kind of expert at cattle Caesarians. And he certainly should not have simply gone along with James’ attempt to save face with Bushell just so he wouldn’t look foolish.

It wasn’t long before that agonizing surgery replayed in his head yet again. As he reviewed every detail of it, Tristan was overwhelmed by how many moments there were when everything could have gone wrong. Soon, his mind went even further back to when Siegfried supervised out in the field in between terms at veterinary college. Back to moments when he could have easily killed some poor animal if his older brother hadn’t been there to guide him through his missteps or assisted him when the unexpected happened.

Tristan’s hands curled into fists. He should have learned his lesson back then. He really should have. Siegfried was right to disparage him for his lack of caution and professionalism.

A hand on his arm finally interrupted his endless procession of self-recrimination. Although, not before Tristan nearly let out a bitter laugh over how often he was descending into self-pity these days.

“Still, I see sitting behind a desk for hours on end hasn’t dulled your suturing technique,” Siegfried added with a firm pat to his younger brother’s arm. “As neat and precise as ever. It is gratifying to know that my years spent training you haven’t gone to waste.”

“Ho, ho, ho, ho,” Tristan snorted. “You know, it’s not all filling out forms and writing up reports. There are actually times when I still work on animals. Just not in dark, smelly byres in the middle of nowhere.’

“You mean, not outside of a laboratory. Not somewhere that isn’t sanitized, controlled and totally unlike what you’d encounter in real life. It’s not the same at all, little brother, and you know it.”

Tristan reached up and rubbed his temple. “Yes, I suppose you’re right. It’s still me being a paper pusher behind a desk with a little vetting on the side.”

The hand on Tristan’s arm returned. “No, that’s where you are wrong, Tristan.”

Tristan looked over at him, his brow furrowed, but Siegfried looked completely untroubled by the contradicting notions he seemed to want to plant.

“You’re still a vet,” Siegfried continued. “A fine vet indeed. A vet in an office, but still a vet. Never forget that, Tristan.”

Tristan was tempted to scoff again, but the completely sincerity in Siegfried’s eyes put a stop to that. He also wanted to thank him, but worried that it would just spoil the moment.

Instead, he walked over to the cow and patted her back. He still didn’t know how he and James had managed it even though he was sorely grateful that they did. Ever since that dreadful night, he had spent hours studying everything he could find about performing a Caesarian on a cow, and most of it confirmed Tristan’s belief that they would have killed the poor beast any other time.

The only comfort he had gotten out of all that study was the faint confidence that he’d never botch it up that badly ever again. In fact, he probably could assist in another Caesarian with very few problems.

Although, Tristan doubted that he’d leap at the opportunity to get involved in another one any time soon. And he was certain that James would be even more reluctant to try it again if he didn’t absolutely have to.

“Tristan, as much as I admire your dedication to this animal, I doubt that you came up here solely to check on a job that is clearly over and done with.”

Tristan turned toward Siegfried with a smirk on his face. “Oh, and why have you come here then?”

Not missing a beat, Siegfried snorted and chuckled. “Really, Tristan, you may have long since qualified, but the teacher never really stops monitoring the student. And besides, it’s you that we’re talking about, not me. So what is actually on your mind?”

Tristan’s face fell. He didn’t really want to discuss the situation with Deidre with his elder brother. Not that it was much of a situation anymore. And not that Siegfried would take such a discussion seriously. He’d probably treat it the way he usually did. Siegfried would paint it as little brother panting after another pretty thing with no thought or real feeling behind it.

It wasn’t far from how James and Helen often reacted to his declarations of affection. They just tended to add a little more sympathy into the mix.

“Come on,” Siegfried said, looping his arm with Tristan’s.

Tristan blinked in surprise as Siegfried guided him out of the barn, but he didn’t resist. His elder brother remained silent until they had walked over to where Siegfried had parked his car.

“The Black Eagle isn’t too far from here,” Siegfried mused. “And I hear that they have acquired a very fine bitter from Brawton.” He looked over at Tristan with a fond smile on his face.

“How would you feel about partaking in a sample of it, little brother?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did add another chapter because as I was editing this one, I realized that I needed to add some more to it...and then it got a little too long for one chapter. 
> 
> Thus, there will be one more chapter before I'm finished...and hopefully, it will be posted much sooner than the gap between these first two chapters....


	3. Chapter 3

Several minutes and one order of pints from his brother later, Tristan found himself in a booth in a cozy corner of the pub. As soon as the glasses were placed in front of them, he grabbed his and took a hearty swallow.

“Siegfried…this is marvelous,” he said afterward. He just managed to stop himself from congratulating his brother for having an excellent idea for a change.

Siegfried simply smirked at him and took a healthy gulp from his own glass. “When one’s taste buds are not completely numbed by rivers of alcohol, it makes the task of finding quality bitters far easier.”

Tristan snorted, but let that pass with no real annoyance. He was enjoying his beer far too much to dwell on his brother’s typical sarcasm. He made a mental note to visit this place more often in future and was focused on reminding Siegfried about the fondness he had for the wines Caroline often served with dinners at their home.

Consequently, he caught unawares at the acerbic feelings that suddenly took control of his mouth.

“Should you even be in a pub in the first place?” he said, his tone brittle. “I’m sure Caroline and the kids would prefer to have you home with them instead of you dragging your poor little brother along for a drink.”

Guilt wormed its way inside him as soon as the words left his lips. He didn’t understand why he had reacted like that to Siegfried’s comment, one that was pretty prosaic by his elder brother’s standards. Tristan hid his discomfort as best he could by taking the slowest pull on his pint that he had ever managed.

“I’d already phoned Caroline from Skeldale before I went out to Bushell’s,” Siegfried replied in a surprisingly placid tone. “I told her that I might be late. And that I would be bringing company to dinner. Timothy has been anxious to show you his latest painting of the garden near his school. You know, that boy is showing real promise as an artist.”

Tristan chuckled, grateful for the distraction. “And you criticized me for giving him that paint set for his birthday. I told you that he’d love it.”

“Indeed,” Siegfried nodded as he took another drink from his pint.

Tristan frowned again. He could see how Siegfried was watching him out of the corner of his eye. And he knew that look which was currently on his elder brother’s face. Siegfried was trying to get a read on him. To see if there was something they would need to “discuss”.

Problem was, Tristan was simply too weary to shield himself from Siegfried’s scrutiny.

Siegfried finished half of his drink and leaned back in his seat. When Tristan did dare to glance at him, he was surprised to see a wistful, distant look in his older brother’s eyes.

“Do you remember Margery Egerton?” Siegfried suddenly asked. Tristan choked on his latest sip of beer, but quickly regained his composure.

“How could I forget her?” Tristan smiled. “Lovely woman. You know, all bets were on you marrying her at one time.”

“Idle gossip,” Siegfried snorted. “And you indulge in far too much of it, little brother.” Siegfried took another drink and stared at some vague spot on the wall. “Did you know that I met up with her once during the war?”

Now Tristan was intrigued. “No. What happened?”

Siegfried sighed and shook his head. For a moment, Tristan regretted showing so much interest as the memory clearly wasn’t an entirely happy one for his brother. But then Siegfried gave him a wan smile and continued.

“I’d been stationed at a base here in England after spending a few months in France. One night while I was looking for a place to have a drink, I happened to run across her doing the very same thing. The regiment I was in was moving out the next day, so she agreed to spend the evening with me.”

Tristan nodded and finished his drink. Siegfried rarely talked about his relationships and as curious as he was about this, he kept wondering why his brother was being so open right now.

“The two of us had drinks and dinner. She said she was leaving soon herself, though she couldn’t tell me where,” Siegfried added. “It was a lovely night. The stars and moon were bright lights in the sky. And there we were: in a pub on the outskirts of a quaint little village while the war continued its grind of wanton destruction all around us. Margery was as beautiful and charming as she had ever been. That night, I was sure that I was the luckiest man in England.”

Siegfried reached for his glass and then let his hand drop. He stared at the amber liquid for a moment before speaking again.

“As fortunate as I was, I couldn’t truly enjoy it. I was tired. Tired in body and spirit. Tired of the whole ugly war. I’m sure I wasn’t very good company, but she gave no sign of it. Truly a remarkable woman.”

After another few seconds of silent deliberation, Siegfried picked up his glass and finished its contents in one large swallow. As he sat his glass back down, Tristan noted the somber look in his eyes.

“We must have talked for hours. Right up until closing time,” Siegfried said. “I walked her back to her hotel and I kissed her at her doorstep. It was the best evening I’d spent in months, but I knew, the entire time we were together, I knew that it was over between us. I’m sure she knew it too even though she made damn sure not to say one word that would give that thought away.”

Siegfried closed his eyes and tilted his head back. “This was to be our last night together and it was both one of the happiest and one of the most distressing nights of my entire life.”

Siegfried stopped and opened his eyes to stare down at the tabletop. Tristan knew better than to pry, but he dearly wished he could know what Siegfried was thinking about at that moment.

Finally, his brother looked up at him, a grave expression on his face.

“Tristan, no matter how satisfied you are with the decisions you have made in your life, you will always have regrets. Regrets about how things unfolded, about the mistakes you may have made. But regret does not always mean that you made the wrong choices.”

Siegfried signaled for another drink and was silent while they waited for it to show up at their table. Once it arrived, however, Tristan was startled when his older brother pushed the glass toward him.

“On my next leave a few months later, I met Caroline,” Siegfried continued. “I hadn’t wanted to be involved with a woman while the war was still going on. But the heart…well, sometimes the heart makes the decisions for us, doesn’t it, little brother?”

Tristan laughed with Siegfried, relieved at the momentary lightening of the mood. Fortunately, Siegfried still had a smile on his face after the moment had passed.

“When Caroline and I were separated by her father being transferred, I thought I would have another regret to look back on. Fortunately for me, I learned something from the mistakes I had made before. Thus, even though I have regrets, I also have a beautiful wife and my precious boys.”

Tristan’s face fell. He could see where this conversation was going, and even though he didn’t want to risk hurting his brother’s feelings again, that did not mean he wanted to listen to platitudes about how “everything works out in the end” or “everything being for the best”.

At that point, the only thing that enabled him to hold his tongue was his awareness of how difficult it had to have been for Siegfried to share these memories with him. He would have to be careful.

“Look Siegfried, Caroline is lovely and the smartest thing you ever did was marry her.” Tristan leaned forward and placed his forearms on the table, his fingers lacing together. “And the kids are wonderful. I love both of them. But….”

Tristan let his head hang down, unable to look Siegfried in the eye.

“You know, maybe I’m not cut out for this sort of thing. Getting married, having children and all. I’ve got a career and I could do a lot with it if I get the notion. Having a family…well, that would just make it harder, wouldn’t it?”

He finally looked up and put on his best smile in an attempt to diffuse the grumpy look that was sure to show up on Siegfried’s face.

“And like you’ve always told me, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. I think there might be something to your philosophy of being in love with all women.”

Siegfried scowled at him, but suddenly, Tristan didn’t care. He knew that his older brother hated it when his own words and ideas were thrown back at him. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he was still aware that he was being petty and that he’d feel bad about it later. But for right now, he was going to let himself gloat.

That is, until he suddenly realized how terrible he was being for doing so.

 _‘So much for deserving to be happy, Madge,’_ he thought bitterly. He was certain that, if she could see his behavior now, she wouldn’t be so sure that he didn’t deserve to be wallowing in misery.

At the very least, Siegfried knew it by now, and Tristan braced himself for the inevitable flash of temper and the brusque suggestion that he make his own dinner arrangements now.

He’d been so confident in his prediction, Tristan started when Siegfried placed his hand onto his forearm, his expression sympathetic.

“Nonsense, Tristan. That’s not the philosophy for men at our stage in life. And all this talk of you not being suitable for marriage or a family…really, Tristan, every time I think I’ve heard the most absurd thing you could possibly say, you always manage to surpass yourself.”

“Oh really?” Tristan replied, a renewed acidity in his tone. “And I’m sure you’re here to help me see the errors in my thinking. The elder brother schooling the wayward younger brother in the complexities of life.”

He tried to pull away, but Siegfried stopped him by placing his other hand onto Tristan’s arm, holding him in place. And still, the solicitous look remained on his brother’s face.

“Tristan, I’ve watched you with my sons, so I feel qualified to comment on your rapport with children,” Siegfried said gently. “And I’m sure James would agree with me given your care with Jimmy and Rosie.”

Siegfried leaned back in his seat again, but did not relax his grip on Tristan’s arm.

“As for women, your regrettable choices aside, you seem to have all the instincts of a gentleman, if not always the correct behavior. So the question becomes, why hasn’t it worked out for you?”

Only after giving Tristan’s arm another tender squeeze did Siegfried let him go. Too ashamed to face his elder brother, Tristan kept gaze fixed on the glass in front of him.

“Siegfried…you know I can’t be serious about a relationship. Isn’t that what you’ve always said? Or maybe I’m just not ready for one.”

Siegfried let out a sigh, and Tristan hunched down. He had already felt miserable and now he was certain that Siegfried was regretting this conversation too.

“Fair enough,” Siegfried finally said in a tone that Tristan knew meant that his brother was far from satisfied at this impasse. “But I refuse to accept the notion that you’re completely unsuited for a relationship with true substance. You simply need to raise your standards, Tristan.”

“You mean find a nice girl?” Tristan said with an edge of a snarl. “Like Deidre?”

Siegfried’s face became troubled, and Tristan knew he had him. Not that there was any pleasure in this victory. Tristan decided to dull the sting of that by taking a particularly large gulp of his latest beer.

“You should try savoring those bitters instead of guzzling them,” his brother grumbled.

Tristan gave him a half-hearted smirk. This was the usual flimsy refuge Siegfried retreated to whenever he was losing an argument. He made a show of taking a much smaller sip when he raised his pint again.

His bravado vanished, however, when he sat his glass down and saw Siegfried looking him straight in the eye with complete self-assurance.

“Tristan, why are you so determined to reject any kindness offered to you?”

Tristan immediately looked away. The directness of the question hurt almost as much as the question itself. And a tiny part of him hated Siegfried for asking it.

Before he could do anything though, the hands returned to his forearm.

“Come home with me, little brother. Caroline is having Mrs. Aldridge make some treacle tarts. Timothy has asked more than once when you might visit again. And Edward, I’m sure he would enjoy having a fresh audience to witness how proficient he’s become at somersaults.”

Tristan swallowed hard, trying his best to smile. “Looks like you’ll end up with an artist and a gymnast in your family, Siegfried. I suppose that’s better than when I wanted to be a race car driver.”

“Yes,” Siegfried chuckled. “And it’s far safer for my wallet at any rate. It’s a wonder that I didn’t lose more of the practice’s cars than I did.”

“It was only the Austin that was a total loss,” Tristan said with a pout. Suddenly, he thought about that night when he crashed it while he had a nurse on his arm. It was a memorable night, but he still wouldn’t dream of being so careless now with his MG. A fact he was sure Siegfried was relieved about.

A lopsided smile finally appeared on Tristan’s face. “All right, I’ll finish this pint and then we can go.”

Siegfried smiled back and patted his arm before letting go again. Tristan was grateful that Siegfried hadn’t pressed him for an answer to his earlier question. Then again, he wasn’t surprised by that either. His elder brother might enjoy picking on him, but Siegfried was never intentionally cruel to him.

“Tristan, Deidre is a lovely girl, but she was never for you. And that’s no statement on her character or yours.”

“I know,” Tristan said, finally starting to believe it.

“And if I comment on your choice of female companionship, it’s only because I know that there is a woman like her, a woman of Deidre’s quality, who would be suited to you. I simply wish that you not fritter away your time at the expense of finding her.”

Tristan sighed, but this time, there was no exasperation behind it. “Yes, Siegfried.”

Siegfried didn’t look entirely convinced in his younger brother’s affirmative, but apparently was in the mood to ignore it. “So, how are things at the Ministry, then? I talked to Patterson yesterday. Apparently there is a concern about a new wave of swine flu?”

“Oh, it’s nothing that serious,” Tristan said with a roll of his eyes. “It’s one isolated case and it’s almost the end of the containment period. Patterson is just worried that he won’t get the holiday he’s been planning on for weeks.”

“He should try dealing with the uncertainties of private practice,” Siegfried scoffed. “I don’t like to think about how many family outings I’ve had to miss. It’s how I was able to convince Caroline to let me start taking Timothy and Edward with me on my rounds whenever possible.”

Tristan grinned and downed another large swallow of beer. He remembered the hours he’d spent accompanying Siegfried on the rounds when he was a boy. It was some of the fondest memories he had of his childhood and of his elder brother. As much as he enjoyed teasing Siegfried about how he never seemed to change, this was one activity Tristan was glad Siegfried never discarded.

It was then that Tristan suddenly understood what Madge had tried to tell him. Things would get better again, he was sure of it. For now, he would allow himself to be pulled a little closer to his family and friends. It might not be the dream he was currently searching for, but he realized that it was far better than forcing himself to be alone.

It was also a needed reminder that happiness was often something that you gathered along the way during the journey of life.


End file.
